Archives for posts with tag: humour

RemiI’m walking my dog in the park. It’s lovely. I’m listening to the birds singing, enjoying the sun on my face. Suddenly I feel a tug on the lead behind me. I turn to observe my cute puppy, hunched over, looking at me with guilty eyes as she squeezes out a poo. I spy the poo bag dispenser. My mind time travels.

I wonder, what will future species think of us? Archaeological digs will uncover masses of plastic waste, poo bags included. Seeing as it takes the average plastic bag 200-400 years to beak down, and landfills create a kind of compacted, rubbish fossilizing system – what’ll they think of all the perfectly preserved dog poo’s?

As a responsible dog walker I must be prepared for said poop. ‘Dog-Poo-Shoe’ is a major faux pas in most western cultures, not to mention protecting public health, (I don’t want to blind a child!) But what does one do whilst attempting to save ones planet? Plastic poo-bags are obviously a no-no, because as we all know: plastic NEVER EVER BIODEGRADES!

Scouring the internet, my only option seems to be a huge and claw like contraption. Not at all practical for a day frolicking in the park. What I need is a good old fashioned poop-a-scoopa. They looked like an egg box, you scooped the poop and hey presto! Where did they go?

Alternatives? Recycled paper bags do the job. I save them up after shopping trips. The checkout chick looks at me funny because EVERY loose vegetable is in one. Whatever. This method isn’t suitable for all dogs, but for my puppy, the 3.5kg love-child of Sweep and a Jack Russell, they suffice. Sometimes I find an empty re-usable coffee cup. This used to make me crazy. It now makes a great poop-scoop. The other day I even used a large leaf. How bloody biodegradable of me.

However damn imaginative I have to be, however crazy things get, I will prevail. It will NOT be my dogs poo on the examination table of the future.

Advertisements

Long haul flights can be a real drag. Fifteen hours of cramped conditions, dry and fart laden air and to top it all off, it’s a bloody throwaway plastic nightmare, if you’re that way inclined. Hubalini and I have strived and strived to reduce out plastic footprint. Taking it to the next level of dedication we have even subjected our locks to the Bicarbonate Of Soda method, which left us both with hair Chaka Khan would be proud of. Not however a good look for a mere mortal.

Caught up in pre-holiday excitement we totally dropped the non plastic ball and unprepared we were greeted by an absolute barrage of waste. It was the biggest fail in the history of fails. It was like a bad joke, only we had to laugh, otherwise I might have cried. Plastic cups, plastic salad bowls, towels wrapped in plastic and plastic cutlery wrapped in plastic, it was a full blown plastic Armageddon.

Go on...hand it over!

Go on…hand it over!

When I attempted to retain my cup or knife and fork for a second use, the moment I fell into an awkwardly positioned sleep it would be cruelly swiped away. If I was awake I would usually end up in a wrestling match as I fumbled to explain my motif for harboring used cutlery. This I would usually LOSE.

In preparation for our next visit overseas I have done my research. Here are a few useful products to make your flight just a shade more environmentally friendly (and ease your conscious over the tons of aviation fuel being pumped into the ozone)

Re-usable Cutlery – re-usable for ANY occasion! Bloody marvelous! To-Go-Ware do a good set.  Check out these bamboo badboys HERE

RePEaT-Family-LR1
If you aren’t planning on leaving the country and running the gauntlet that is Airport security and customs, you could just keep a set of regular cutlery in your bag. Etsy have a few ingenious cutlery carrying packs, all handmade and rather cute. Have a gander HERE.

il_fullxfull.277209545

Re-usable coffee cups – Also good for water, juice, tea, carrying goldfish, soup and beer. Our favourite is Melbourne based Hook Turn Industries. Made from food grade silicon, damn good looking and run by three lovely ladies dedicated to making positive change, what more could you want in a cup!?
Check em out HERE. All-4-pastel-colours

Lunchbox – take your own food, how about that?! On flight food is basically a load of crap anyway and the evil stuff tends to stay with you for days, impeding on your holiday fun times.

Yum. The photos 80's colour grade also reflects the nutritional value.

Yum. The 80’s color grade in this picture also reflects the meals nutritional value.

Eat light, its not like you’re running a marathon, its more like a sit-on-your-ass-athon. Nuts and dried fruit are good, and noodles, sarnies, pasta salads or some kind of cous cous arrangement.

Lunchbots make awesome stainless steel food containers. The only problem is the astronomical price. Whilst I struggle to get my writing career pumping and save some cash, my food will continue to absorb the plastic chemicals from my re-used take away containers.

Lunchbots are available HERE in the UK, and HERE in Australia. They’re available in a range of jazzy colors too.

NewLunchBots

Lunchbots – So expensive you might presume they also make your lunch

You can’t poop. You can barely string a sentence together. You just woke up at 9pm ready for brekkie and have been lumbering around like a zombie ever since. If this sounds familiar you may be experiencing the disgustingly debilitating effects of jetlag, also known as Desynchronisis.

zombies-620x412

I myself enjoy the ultimate punishment of the Australia to Europe journey. After suffering this heinous trip on several occasions I decided it was time to get radical. No damn jetlag is going to steal away my holiday time! An entire week feeling cranky and unfit for human consumption is just UNACCEPTABLE!

These tips genuinely eased my pain and suffering. They may seem rather killjoy but I’m serious about beating this shit hands down! So here you go. Share the love and prepare yourself for the 5 most unexciting tricks to avoiding jetlag!!

 #1. NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN!

 Traveling Australia to Europe means crossing 10 time zones. That’s impressive shit. You’re a modern day Marty Mcfly for chuffs sake! Unfortunately your body doesn’t see it that way.
marty-mcfly

To avoid waking up at night wondering why its broad daylight requires Mr Miyagi discipline. A few days before your trip try to stay up a couple of hours longer than usual (4-6hours works well) During the fight synchronise your sleep to your destination times and when you arrive resist the urge to go straight to bed. 9pm should really be the earliest you hit the sack. Stay relatively active and expose yourself to as much sunlight as possible; this helps your circadian rhythm (body clock) to adjust. Just remember, one day of zombification is much better than wasting a whole week!
miyagi-fly

#2. HYDRATION

Humidity at 30,000ft sits at around 12%. That’s drier than most deserts and definitely drier than a dead dingos donger. Hydrate. Hydrate. Hydrate. It’s as simple as that. This unfortunately means avoiding the free booze and caffeine. I know, BORING right? Just visualize Tutankhamen’s dusty remains and imagine yourself waking up in his tomb. This should be your motivation! Carry moisturiser and grease up your nostrils!
Vatican Mummy

 

#3. SELF-CLEANSING & COMFORT

After 16 hours on a plane you can guarantee you’ll be feeling pretty gross, slimy almost. Imagine Sigourney Weavers baby in Alien Resurrection. This is a disgustingly accurate comparison for myself. Take deodorant, a flannel and a shower at any layover opportunity!
alien res4

On my last adventure I also took a pillow and sleeping bag as carry-on. This meant I could have a proper snooze during the layover AND I was lovely and cosy during the flight. Choose clothes that would look the part at an MC Hammer convention.

#4. MOVEMENT

I am always overjoyed to be allotted the window seat. I can lean on the wall for sleep and enjoy some serious cloud watching. This time however the guy in the isle seats turned out to be some kind of Olympic bladder control expert. He got up ONCE in 12 hours and seemed to be sleeping for the entirety of the flight.  The more times I asked him to move, the more awkward it got. This basically confined me to my to my tiny corner.
Like Sardines in a Can

Moving around is incredibly important for circulation and comfort. It will ease swollen ankles AKA cankles and help prevent DVT. Do it as much as possible. Fuck isle seat man! Hang out near the kitchen where there is space to stretch and do a few star jumps. Seriously.

#5. CABIN PRESSURE

Its true! We really are full of hot air! The human body contains a large amount of gas. This includes air as well as gasses generated in the stomach and intestines during digestion. Cabin pressure causes these gases to expand in your intestines so beans on toast may be a regrettable pre-flight snack! The excess gas will definitely cause discomfort. Eat very lightly before and during the flight. Thoughtful meal choices can reduce the after effects of the journey as well as improving comfort during the flight.
cowboy_fart Most of the time I only eat because I’m bored. Dinnertime on an long and arduous journey is more than just eating. It’s an event! This time I took a lunchbox of mixed nuts and ate only the fruit and salad at meal times. This sounds SO FRICKING BORING, but the initial food envy I felt watching my husband stuff his face was thankfully short lived.  After the flight I experienced no problems at all with digestion, so the payoff was well worth the sacrifice.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

santa57

My question is this; who the hell invented this modern day Christmas lunacy?

Whoever it was, I’d like to offer them a wholehearted plethora of festive profanities!! You’ve driven’ everyone stir crazy!

I’m damn sure that somehow we are totally missing the point.  Its nice that we all get together but what’s with the frantic shopping, shopping SHOPPING!!!?  Subtle yet insidious marketing whispers to us all year round ‘if you buy this brand everyone will think you’re awesome’ or ‘buy that and your family will love you more.’  By the end of the year every crumb of our very being screams BUY MORE STUFF! The Christmas tradition seems to have disintegrated into a hideous festival of consumerism!

A8ZdpheCcAEgJku

The original Christmas party bares it’s roots from a very Roman affair. Always up for a reason to get naked and drunk, they created a kick-ass festival to celebrate their god, Saturn. For the entire month of December they would party like rockstars, dish out gifts and do naughty sexy stuff that was usually prohibited. Saturnalia was a time of freedom and pleasure without consequence. The Christians later ‘borrowed’ this festive idea and used it as a way to persuade people to convert to Christianity. As reinforcement they only went and bought out the big guns, St Nic himself! A few hundred years later Christmas was stolen AGAIN, this time by Coca Cola.

cokelore_santa_toys_cutout

This Roman soiree is a far cry from the modern image of Christmas time. Aggressive last minute shopping, cataclysmic queuing and fighting for car park spaces have replaced scenes of mass festivity and party good times. Where did we go wrong?!

Saturnalia2

I say lets take a leaf out of the Romans book, and as they say…”when in Rome…do as the Romans do!”

Take a deep breath, a good slug of mead and get our Saturnalia on! There is more to life than extreme stress, near bankruptcy and premature greying!  Life is about doing stuff, not stuff itself.

So with this in mind, here are a few EASY homemade and heartfelt Christmas gifts ideas. Invite your best mate over for a craft and wine night. It’s not quite a Roman orgy, but 100% more fun than a night muscling your way around overcrowded department stores that resemble more of a stinky sweaty mosh-pit than a good-will incubator.
Spend fun time with other humans making cool and bankruptcy free gifts that other humans will actually appreciate.

Merry Saturnalia!

LEMON SUGAR BODY SCRUB

Lemony scubby good times, and best of all EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZEY to make. Save up some jars and use ribbon to decorate.

Screen-Shot-2012-04-27-at-8.02.52-PM

RAW CHOCOLATE BALLS OF JOY

Raw.Chocolate.Balls.Of.Joy…need I say more? Make them a little gift box house and they make for excellent Christmas treat. If you can resist the desire to shovel them all into your face that is!

chocolate_face_girl

TEA CUP CANDLES

Apparently melted Crayola crayons make the best colour for these badboys.

teacup_candle2

COWBOY KAHLUA FIT FOR ‘THE DUDE’

Kahlua, vodka and milk. That is all.

Lebowskilimo

GINGERBREAD MAN RECIPE

Because everyone secretly loves a ginger.

img-thing

SOOOO…shampoo’s and conditioners come in plastic bottles and seeing as I recently took the vow, under oath: Thou shalt not buy any new plastics...I’ve been searching for an alternative like a demon! I mean, I’m all for the cause and I could suffer for my art, if I wanted to, and I’m definitely feeling the environmentalist vibes but I’m not sure that I’m ready to stop washing altogether!
I wondered to myself “what did folks do before the days of Vidal Sassoon and Herbal Essences”? We take it for granted nowadays, the market is saturated with ridiculous concoctions and we are constantly reminded through TV commercials how bloody important it is to keep those tresses primped and preened!! So, feeling curious I gave myself a quick history lesson in shampoos through the ages! (in no particular order)

DANG! My hairs like wire bloody wool!

GLADIATORS READY?!

Apparently Ancient Romans viewed shampooing as a bit of chore so very rarely did it. They had far more important things to be doing such as watching Gladiators kill each other in grizzly fashion, or re-writing history to suit their own political needs, or engaging in illicit sexy times with family members. However, when/if they did wash their hair they would use an attractive mixture of animal fats and ashes. This heady mix was so harsh that many would have been walking around with hair do’s resembling a used Brillo pad! Because of this most people would simply shave their heads.  The elite and privileged would then don elaborate wigs and headdresses.

GAME OF THRONES

If you were unlucky enough to be born a peasant during medieval times chances were you would probably NEVER wash your hair. This would be the last thing on your mind seeing as you were living a slave existence and spent your whole life working your filthy fingers to the bone JUST to pay your wages to the church and lords in taxes. The fear of hell-for-your-sins was so deeply terrorized into them by the church that they just got on with it, filthy hair and all without so much as a murmur! In fact during these grim times you would probably experience only two baths in your entire existence, one at birth and one when you carked it!

WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN

The Egyptians on the other hand were incredibly vain, they would style their hair with animal fat based products to enhance appearance and really show off their individuality, not really washing as such, but damn they would have looked good! Even after death their loved ones would maintain their ‘do’…because who wants to walk into the afterlife with a bad hair day?! Mummified remains have been found with impeccably preserved hair in a whole range of trendy styles.

OOOOOH, your hairs dead shiny!

Back to the mission in hand…after months of brewing in my dungeon and testing on my own poor tresses I think I may have found the solution! Its plastic free and entirely devoid of any harsh chemicals, double win! This is a recipe that even the Romans might have used it’s so EASY!

SHAMPOO RECIPE

Now listen carefully, this is the scientific bit, just one magical ingredient…Bicarbonate of Soda. That’s it. WOAH MAMMA, stone the crows, it’s a miracle!

METHOD

Stir 1 heaped tsp of bicarb into a mug of warm water, take to the shower/bath with you. Wet your hair, pour the mixture over your hair and massage in to your scalp as usual. Don’t be alarmed by the lack of suds, contrary to popular belief bubbles DON’T make things cleaner!

CONDITIONER RECIPE

2 tbsp of apple cider vinegar in a large mug of warm water

METHOD

Pour the mixture slowly over your hair, it works like a rinse. Avoid eye contact!! I leave it in for a few minutes before rinsing. This shit is the BOMBDIGGITY!

Shiny disco ball…

Your hair will be more shiny than a teenagers t zone and more dazzling than John Travolta’s false teeth.  People will literally have their minds blown out of their skulls in sheer wonderment, be careful where you point it!

Tip #1 – use luke warm water to rinse, this helps with shine and doesn’t frazzle your hair.

Tip#2 –  it takes about a week for your hair to rid itself of the previous products and chemicals found in conventional shampoos.  Whilst you go through this transition your hair may feel heavy and greasy,  give it a chance to settle before you give up hope! Healthy, shiny and chemical free hair is worth the wait, I promise!

Fact; most modern shampoos are made with synthetic components, whilst your hair appears to be healthy and sleek, it is actually more of a man-made shine. These chemicals aren’t particularly good for you or the environment.

EGGSTRA-ORDINARY DEEP CONDITIONING RECIPE

1 egg, beaten (more depending on your hair length or the amount of heads you plan to smother)
2 TBS of extra virgin olive oil

METHOD

  • Mix the egg and olive oil together in a bowl
  • Wet you hair
  • Smooth on the mixture
  • Wrap your head in a towel and leave for 20 minutes
  • Wash off under luke warm water, any hotter could result in scrambled eggs…in your hair. NOT, I repeat NOT the desired effect!

* I use the egg conditioner a couple of times a month just to give my tresses a little eggy treat. Any more shine and I could be considered a public liability, people would literally be dazzled blind!