You can’t poop. You can barely string a sentence together. You just woke up at 9pm ready for brekkie and have been lumbering around like a zombie ever since. If this sounds familiar you may be experiencing the disgustingly debilitating effects of jetlag, also known as Desynchronisis.

zombies-620x412

I myself enjoy the ultimate punishment of the Australia to Europe journey. After suffering this heinous trip on several occasions I decided it was time to get radical. No damn jetlag is going to steal away my holiday time! An entire week feeling cranky and unfit for human consumption is just UNACCEPTABLE!

These tips genuinely eased my pain and suffering. They may seem rather killjoy but I’m serious about beating this shit hands down! So here you go. Share the love and prepare yourself for the 5 most unexciting tricks to avoiding jetlag!!

 #1. NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN!

 Traveling Australia to Europe means crossing 10 time zones. That’s impressive shit. You’re a modern day Marty Mcfly for chuffs sake! Unfortunately your body doesn’t see it that way.
marty-mcfly

To avoid waking up at night wondering why its broad daylight requires Mr Miyagi discipline. A few days before your trip try to stay up a couple of hours longer than usual (4-6hours works well) During the fight synchronise your sleep to your destination times and when you arrive resist the urge to go straight to bed. 9pm should really be the earliest you hit the sack. Stay relatively active and expose yourself to as much sunlight as possible; this helps your circadian rhythm (body clock) to adjust. Just remember, one day of zombification is much better than wasting a whole week!
miyagi-fly

#2. HYDRATION

Humidity at 30,000ft sits at around 12%. That’s drier than most deserts and definitely drier than a dead dingos donger. Hydrate. Hydrate. Hydrate. It’s as simple as that. This unfortunately means avoiding the free booze and caffeine. I know, BORING right? Just visualize Tutankhamen’s dusty remains and imagine yourself waking up in his tomb. This should be your motivation! Carry moisturiser and grease up your nostrils!
Vatican Mummy

 

#3. SELF-CLEANSING & COMFORT

After 16 hours on a plane you can guarantee you’ll be feeling pretty gross, slimy almost. Imagine Sigourney Weavers baby in Alien Resurrection. This is a disgustingly accurate comparison for myself. Take deodorant, a flannel and a shower at any layover opportunity!
alien res4

On my last adventure I also took a pillow and sleeping bag as carry-on. This meant I could have a proper snooze during the layover AND I was lovely and cosy during the flight. Choose clothes that would look the part at an MC Hammer convention.

#4. MOVEMENT

I am always overjoyed to be allotted the window seat. I can lean on the wall for sleep and enjoy some serious cloud watching. This time however the guy in the isle seats turned out to be some kind of Olympic bladder control expert. He got up ONCE in 12 hours and seemed to be sleeping for the entirety of the flight.  The more times I asked him to move, the more awkward it got. This basically confined me to my to my tiny corner.
Like Sardines in a Can

Moving around is incredibly important for circulation and comfort. It will ease swollen ankles AKA cankles and help prevent DVT. Do it as much as possible. Fuck isle seat man! Hang out near the kitchen where there is space to stretch and do a few star jumps. Seriously.

#5. CABIN PRESSURE

Its true! We really are full of hot air! The human body contains a large amount of gas. This includes air as well as gasses generated in the stomach and intestines during digestion. Cabin pressure causes these gases to expand in your intestines so beans on toast may be a regrettable pre-flight snack! The excess gas will definitely cause discomfort. Eat very lightly before and during the flight. Thoughtful meal choices can reduce the after effects of the journey as well as improving comfort during the flight.
cowboy_fart Most of the time I only eat because I’m bored. Dinnertime on an long and arduous journey is more than just eating. It’s an event! This time I took a lunchbox of mixed nuts and ate only the fruit and salad at meal times. This sounds SO FRICKING BORING, but the initial food envy I felt watching my husband stuff his face was thankfully short lived.  After the flight I experienced no problems at all with digestion, so the payoff was well worth the sacrifice.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA